[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
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Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.