Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Morning.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in