[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
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*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.