Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!