Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.