I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
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Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”