Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
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me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me: