*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
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presenting your incognito window wrapped
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Wait for it
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah