It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
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Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
we’re gonna need another temp
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
#CoronaOutbreak
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.