I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
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Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.