Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
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My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”