Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
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Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.