doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
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*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”