Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
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A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this