wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
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If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds