If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
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If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*