THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
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Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire