I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
You Might Also Like
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I like long walks away from everyone
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay