*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
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Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.