If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
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#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well