When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
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My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*