Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
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“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Breaking news:
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY