[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
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Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats