The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
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I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”