You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
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There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.