In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
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Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *