Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
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If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Salad is the decaf of food.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.