[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
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Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Got him!
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.