You wish you had this many chins.
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him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.