It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
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Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Lmao the reply
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday