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ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU