All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
no such thing as a dumb question
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.