I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
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Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team