when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
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If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Me checking my bank balance online.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.