In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
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[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that