Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
iPhone X
We need more people like this.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!