I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
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Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
And that about sums it up.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus