Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
You Might Also Like
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
let’s discuss
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Finally
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.