It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
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Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
That time Alicia messaged me
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”