Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
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Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
This classic never gets old . . .
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
i made a craigslist ad !
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?