*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
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I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article