Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
You Might Also Like
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”