Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
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babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.