I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
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I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
The Backseat Boys
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.