I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
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The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.