Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
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*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
My neck, my back, my…
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.