*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
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Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…