Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
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You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
WTF IS THAT!
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.