Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
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[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.