sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards